Reflections.

Sat, 26 Jan 2013 21:59:00 -0500

It goes without saying that last year was a very unique one.

It’s 2013 now. I’m happy. I’m so happy. I’m in love. Things are in place.
Until it comes to my friends, that is. I don’t even know where to begin.
-I miss AF so much, things aren’t the same without her. That’s probably the hardest thing I’ve had to go through. It’s just so weird, you know? Seeing your best friend every day and then not at all. Of course, it’s nothing we can control but still. It’s hard to get used to. Nobody else seems to be struggling, or maybe they’re keeping those feelings bottled up.
-DS is out of my life. I can’t say I’m surprised, ever since he got that ugly ass girlfriend of his. I’m glad there’s people out there who put their girlfriends in front of everything they’ve ever previously loved, and yes this sentence is full of sarcasm. Oh well, I don’t miss him BB or LD anymore… which is also a weird feeling. For them, I wonder how I can go from seeing my best friends every day to them being complete strangers.
-SR is gone too. That one took me the most by surprise, even more so than my own grandmother’s departure. I just never thought it would happen. He said he’d always be there, and now I can’t even get a simple response. I’m not over it, it still hurts. With him, I don’t see how you can be best friends with someone for five years without one single argument and then completely drop off the face of the earth and not worry about anyone other than your “precious” girlfriend. The only thing precious about her is that she relates to the girl who played Precious in the sense that she’s tall and a fucker. Too far?
-Then there’s my ex-roommates. JT is annoying as always. I just don’t know why I find her to be so repulsive. It’s sheer hatred. She does NOT have the perfect relationship so she may as well stop acting like it. As for her and her boyfriend and their talk about getting engaged of all things, I’m so shocked. I hope they don’t…. just for the fact that I’d never see or hear the end of it. Is it bad that I want my own “best friend” to be unhappy? Oops. Then there’s AB. Nothing to say about her except that I just feel the trashiness radiate off of her everytime I see her. It’s not my fault though, she sets herself up for these kind of things. Then there’s TR, who up until now I thought was perfect. It just shows you that nobody is perfect, and everybody has a bottled up secret inside, even her. ;) You wouldn’t think that though, if you saw how much time her and her boyfriend spend together. Maybe that’s just me being bitter at the fact that none of them seem to care about me anymore. I mean what the hell it’s NOT my fault that I was forced with the decision of move out or completely lose all of my sanity and kill myself. I picked my sanity, sorry not sorry.

ALL OF MY BEST FRIENDS ARE OUTGROWING ME.

On the bright side, a million good things came out of me moving out. My new roommate is great.

My relationship is perfect, most of the time. Everything beautiful reminds me of him. I hear a beautiful instrumental- think of him, hear a beautiful singing voice in a song even if it’s just for a second- think of him, see something beautiful outside- think of him. It scares me. He’s consuming me, every bit. I always want to be with him, always want to be talking to him or in his arms. In my eyes, he’s the most beautiful man that’s ever lived. I wish I didn’t love him so much, nothing good is going to come from it if something bad happens to us. I don’t know if it will or not. I just wish I knew mine and his path. I NEED to know if we’re going to make it. I NEED to know if all this is happening for a reason or if we’re just wasting our time and bringing ourselves closer to heartache. Like I said, it scares me.
I really would marry him. I can see myself with him the rest of my life. I may not be the happiest wife since he lacks affection, but I know how happy I would be if I could fall asleep in his arms every night. I know he’d be a good father, also.
Is this normal? I’m 18 years old…. should I already be thinking about marriage and loving someone so deeply? Or do I even really love him as much as I think I do? I can’t decide, I just know that I do love him and I wouldn’t complain if I ended up spending forever with him.

HOWEVER…..

I just don’t know why I keep having these strong feelings about AW. I can’t help it. It’s like, there’s me being perfectly happy with my boyfriend, then the lingering thoughts in the back of my mind always make their way up front and I realize my “what if” in life. Of course last night we had another one of our infamous conversations that ended the same way it always did, well… almost. I don’t even know how it came about. I know that I message him everytime anything that’s the least bit dramatic happens in my life, just out of habit and for the fact that I feel extremely comfortable talking/venting to him about everything. Then last night, we got on the subject of us. “Nothing good happens after 2 AM” right? So, it was reestablished, once again, that we still think about each other, feel guilty, still have feelings for each other and are sad that we didn’t get our shot. Only in the end, he said he didn’t want to talk to me when I transferred back. We’ve said this a thousand times before, but this time it seems different. And it really broke my heart. He said that if we kept talking occasionally as we do that nothing good would come of it, that it would just bring up the unresolved feelings and guilt and all the emotions that comes with talking to me. But if I don’t talk to him, what am I going to do? He’s my best friend. But I’ll discuss this more later-
I honestly think he loves me. I mean, he says he loves his girlfriend and he doesn’t even care about her! It’s been almost THREE YEARS that he’s had these feelings about me and they won’t go away even though I’m dating who I am- it’s obvious that it’s love. I mean he even told me previously that he wished I was the one who took his virginity, for Pete’s sake, that’s got to mean something. You don’t say shit like that to people unless you mean it or are trying to fuck them, and I know he meant it because it was via Facebook when me and boyfriend got back together…. But anyways, it scares me also. Do I love him? Sometimes I think I do, because why else would I continue thinking about him? Or maybe I know I do and I just don’t think about it because I start feeling all guilty. I do know that even typing this post has made me want to just call him. But I can’t. It’s forbidden. I don’t understand me. I love myself, but why WHY why do I love someone so deeply but have these underlying feelings for someone else? It doesn’t seem fair. It makes me feel horrible, and sometimes I absolutely hate myself for it. But you can’t help who you love, and that goes both ways.
If I lose him, what am I going to do? This is college, things are different. It’s not like high school when we decided not to talk to each other anymore but would end up having a long conversation and nothing changed. He’s going to be two hours away, our paths are going to go completely separate ways, I know I’ll break down and message him, but then what? We continue to grow up, we continue to get more consumed in our own relationships, we get married to other people, I mean this is basically goodbye forever. That makes me sick to think about. I know I have abandonment issues, but it’s completely different when you’ve almost had a romantic relationship with someone (or so he referred to it as). I CAN’T say goodbye. I can’t. So I start thinking, maybe I’m not supposed to? Maybe this is God telling me that if I can’t forget about someone that maybe they’re supposed to be the one I’m supposed to be with… but if that was the case, why would I be dating his fucking best friend? I’m such a horrible person. I LOVE my boyfriend, I really honestly truly do…. but do I love AW too? Of course, I could never tell either of them this.
Life is just so confusing. I don’t know what to do. I’m dating the boy I love, and meanwhile I’m forced to say goodbye to “the ghost of a good thing”. What if this isn’t how it’s supposed to be? What if me and him are the ones that are supposed to end up together and have our happily ever after? How do I have any way of knowing? I’ve been praying about it, and one time I asked God if I was doing that right thing- to give me a sign of what to do, and that night I dreamed a happy dream of me and my boyfriend… but WAS that the sign? Is AW constantly being there for me and coming back into my life the sign? Is the fact that every night I either have a dream about my boyfriend cheating on me with some random girl or me cheating on him with some random guy a sign? Maybe I shouldn’t look too far into dreams. I’m standing at the crossroads, literally, and things are so much more complicated since he’s my boyfriend’s best friend. I just can’t handle this. And then I think about my boyfriend, and how he doesn’t know any of this. I’m currently so sick to my stomach, so I’m instantly suppressing these feelings. Just like it never happened.

So this is the first post of my new secret blog. I don’t feel like typing anymore. My mind always changes, maybe tomorrow I’ll have things more figured out.

It's been a while.

Sat, 26 Jan 2013 21:54:00 -0500

I previously deleted my old account only to remake it, just as I assumed I would.

This is where I’m going to go when times get hard, lonely, happy, and everything in between.
My life is an open book, if only people were here to actually read it.

So where do I begin?

Untitled

Reflections.

It's been a while.